Guest Writer Wednesday: Born Still But Still Born
TRIGGER WARNING: This is a story of loss and stillbirth, with pictures.
When you lose a baby, there is an awful, deafening, suffocating silence that envelopes the delivery room.
Then it slowly seeps to every corner of what’s left of your life, taking over your home, your car, your place of work and most painfully, your heart.
We began our infertility journey in June of 2016. After nearly a year of trying to get pregnant, nothing was happening so we decided it was time for me to see the doctor. It was discovered that I was not ovulating on my own. The doctor prescribed me a month of Clomid, which is the bare bone basic of fertility treatments. At that time I was sad, scared, and unsure of what I would be putting my body through. The mood swings, among other side effects, were hard to go through, but I was determined that we would get pregnant with it. After a long 3 months of treatment with no pregnancy I said enough was enough, and decided to stop treatment. The month that I stopped we got pregnant.
We were so excited to finally be welcoming a baby into our family. I was on Pinterest immediately looking for the perfect way to tell our family and friends, and what better way than with our first fur baby, Hemsworth!
The pregnancy itself went as smooth as I could ever ask for. I wasn’t sick. I felt great, although tired. Our baby was growing right on schedule. Our due date was July 16, 2018.
At our 20 week appointment we discovered that we were having a boy! My husband was over the moon, as well as my Dad as he was finally going to have his fishing partner. Although we were very excited, a couple weeks later I was diagnosed with polyhydraminos, which is excess amniotic fluid. It’s extremely uncommon, only occurring in 1% of pregnancies. I was the continuously monitored, first going to the doctor every 2 weeks for ultrasounds, and then at 28 weeks going every week. Everything seemed normal with Logan, he was doing everything that he was supposed to be doing.
Even though things were closely monitored, we had our baby shower at 32 weeks as planned. I was scheduled for induction at 37 weeks so it was the perfect time to have the shower. We had a whole month before our son would be with us. We were blessed with everything that we needed and wanted for our son. We were so excited to meet him soon.
Things came to a screeching halt though. Only two days after our baby shower, I no longer felt Logan moving. He was an extremely active baby so this alarmed and scared me. I called into work so I could go to the hospital, all the while praying to God that I would feel my son move. I got into triage, sat in a dark room by myself with a nurse only to hear dead air on the Doppler. It was the most haunting sound I ever heard in my life. The ultrasound was next, and I immediately knew. He was gone. For some unknown reason, his heart stopped. Our son left us from this earth before we got the chance to meet him. Our hearts were shattered as I had to immediately think about inducing delivery.
The act of having to give birth to my lifeless baby was something I will never forget. The experience was gut wrenching as I heard crying babies down the hall, but knew mine would be silent. The birth of my son was emotionally painful, but at the same time I will treasure the few hours I had with him after that. We were given the chance to hold him, say hello to him, and yet, say goodbye to him. I held my son and told him how much we prayed for him, how much we wanted him, and how we wish he could be with us.
The hospital was kind enough to have a photographer come and take photographs of our sweet Logan, and of us as a family. I will forever cherish these photos and the time we had with him.
The topic of stillbirth is something that is not discussed because not a lot of people know what to say or do.
It is my mission to help encourage other bereaved mommies who feel lost.
I am doing a lot of research and have discovered an organization called Project Robby. They donate crocheted hats, blankets and angel wings to families that have lost their sweet babies like I have. I hope that by sharing my story, other moms will realize that they are not alone in their sadness. We will always love our son and we will never forget him.